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Friends and wealth can be a little more complicated than you think.
If one friend’s wealth goes up and the other’s doesn’t, it can trigger a long list of mental and relational stressors, and put the friendship in jeopardy.
“A wealth gap between friends can create tension, conflict, presumptions, resentment, or shame, causing rifts that tear apart well-meaning and loving relationships,” Psychology Today wrote in a 2023 article. “A decades-long friendship could be lost over a bitter misunderstanding triggered by financial disparity.”
Why that is, and what friends can do to help ensure money doesn’t jeopardize their bond, are keys to surviving in a friend group with varying levels of wealth.
Cut Down On Comparison
One of the causes of relational strain between friends with big differences in wealth is comparison. It can impact the way someone views themselves and their companions, said Dr. Suzanne Wallach, a licensed therapist and founder of Los Angeles-based therapy practice SoCal DBT Center.
open image in gallery“Constantly comparing yourself to wealthier friends can fuel envy, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety and dissatisfaction with your own life, even when your own needs are being met,” Wallach told The Independent in an email.
At the core of comparison’s drawbacks is a dangerous belief that one’s wealth is the measure of their self-worth, happiness and success, she said. It can trap people in a damaging cycle of elusive contentment.
“Usually, once people no longer have to worry about money, they start worrying about protecting it, making more of it, or reaching even higher levels of wealth,” Wallach said. “It often becomes a snake eating its own tail.”
Instead of using energy to compare, use it to pour into relationships and clarify purpose.
Know Thyself
When faced with a wealth gap between friends, ignoring it or not considering the motivation behind a tendency to compare is a lost opportunity for someone to learn more about themselves.
Friends on either side of the wealth gap should ask themselves three important questions, said Wendy Molyneux, a certified financial social worker and financial education instructor:
- What does this comparison tell me about what I value?
- What does it tell me about what I fear?
- What does it tell me about what I’m grieving?
Answering these questions honestly can help someone recognize any connections they may have made between their worth and their wealth. Separating the two isn’t easy, Molyneux said in an email to The Independent.
“Wealth and worth have been collapsed in our culture so thoroughly that separating them feels almost impossible,” she said.
open image in galleryThe answers can produce results because, when done well, it can reveal new levels of self-worth for some.
“It’s collecting evidence that you have inherent worth and that your presence matters to people who matter to you,” Molyneux said.
For some, unpacking the connection between wealth and worth will take them back to their childhood before they knew any of their wealthy friends.
“The person must examine the messages that they self-absorbed growing up and what those messages equate financial success for them,” said LaQueshia Clemons, a financial therapist at Connecticut-based Freedom Life Therapy and Wellness.
For example, adults who grew up in a home where parents despised the wealthy may deal with negative feelings toward their friends.
Whatever the cause of the issue may be, it all leads to the same place: understanding one’s values and defining wealth, Clemons told The Independent in an email.
“Once they do this, they can have a healthy relationship with their friends and feel confident about where they stand with money,” she said.
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