Dear Vix,
I’m writing to you because I’m exhausted. I love my husband dearly, but his snoring has become a third party in our relationship – and it’s ruining everything. Every night follows the same pattern: he falls asleep within minutes, and then it begins… It honestly sounds like a small earthquake. I just end up staring at the ceiling, wanting to hit him.
I don’t mean it literally – I’d never be violent towards him! – but it really is affecting me quite badly, now. It’s been going on for years and it gets way worse when he drinks (he doesn’t drink a lot, but he does have a beer or two or a glass of wine almost every night). I’m perimenopausal anyway, so sleep has been difficult for me for a while – I get insomnia and hot flushes and I wake up super early. Once I’m awake, that’s it – I just can’t get back to sleep again.
I’ve tried everything: earplugs, white noise machines, and sometimes (I feel awful about this) I end up giving him a frustrated shove in the middle of the night, or trying to roll him over (when he lies on his back, the snoring is particularly bad). I love him and want to share a bed with him, but the persistent lack of sleep is changing who I am.
I’m irritable at work, I have no energy for a social life and I’ve started to feel resentful towards him the moment he closes his eyes, even though I know it’s not his fault he snores. The other day, I just couldn’t take it any more – I had a busy day ahead and so I asked if we could sleep in separate rooms, just so I could function. It worked – I slept better than I have in years! But isn’t that a sign of relationship doom? Should I really be prioritising sleep over the intimacy of sharing a bed every night?
My husband thinks it’s just a “funny habit”, but for me, it’s much worse than that. I’m worried it’s going to cause a massive rift.
Sleepless in London
Dear Sleepless,
I feel for you. I suspect we’ve all shared a bed with a snorer at some point in our lives (or have been the guilty snorer ourselves). And I’m also not surprised to hear you are suffering: lack of sleep can affect our heart health (and overall health), our happiness and our mental wellbeing. It has a marked impact on our brain’s ability to concentrate, remember, focus, regulate emotions and make decisions. It can also affect our libido, cause arguments or relationship issues, and even exacerbate depressive symptoms. In other words, it has an impact on everything.
As you say, it’s not your husband’s fault he snores – but I do want to pause here briefly and point out that there are things he could be doing to lessen the impact of his snoring, as well as some important health checks to get to the cause (you can read more here on how to stop snoring – but you’ll need to work out what the trigger is, first). I would also, seeing as you’ve mentioned it specifically, have a gentle chat with your husband to work out whether he feels he has an issue with his drinking. If so, there is plenty of help out there, including this handy NHS guide on alcohol support services in your area.
Some more general options for your husband include simple lifestyle changes, such as aiming to lose some weight if it feels appropriate (as extra fatty tissue around the throat can put pressure on your airway), avoiding alcohol before bed, and quitting smoking (as smoking irritates the membranes in your nose and throat, inflaming the airways and making snoring worse).
Your husband could try sleeping on his side rather than his back, to keep his airways open, and use a nasal spray if congestion is the issue. He could also try using a humidifier, as dry bedroom air can sometimes irritate the throat membranes – a humidifier will add moisture, making breathing more comfortable.
He could try a body wedge pillow to keep him rolled over on his side rather than rolling back (or you having to shove him!), and he should make sure his head is adequately propped up to decrease congestion. There is also a sneaky “tennis ball trick” I’ve read about: sew a tennis ball into the back of a T-shirt or pajama top, which will gently wake you up if you roll onto your back. This trains you to stay on your side. I’ve never tried it, but it sounds great.
It’s also important that if you or your partner are worried about his snoring being excessive, you check it out with a GP. Hopefully it isn’t the case, but sometimes snoring can be a sign of obstructive sleep apnoea (OSA). Watch out for signs like pauses in breathing during sleep, extreme tiredness during the day, morning headaches, a dry mouth, or gasping and choking noises. You can also check the NHS snoring symptom checker here.
My main message to you is not to take this lightly. It’s important you find a solution that works – for both of you. Almost half of British people in a recent study classified themselves as “sleep deprived” and more than a quarter (28 per cent) said they would do “anything” for a proper night’s rest. You’re not alone with your tiredness – or your despair.
Some relationship experts say that as many as one-third of couples are “sleep incompatible”, in fact – due to “mismatched chronotypes” (your body’s natural tendency to fall asleep and wake up at a certain time, making you an “early bird” or a “night owl”). Those who are mismatched often report poorer sleep quality and lower sexual satisfaction.
I spoke to one relationship expert, Robyn Alesich, who told me: “Most couples assume relationship problems stem from communication or stress, but they rarely consider that their body clocks might just be incompatible. Sleep incompatibility often threatens relationships without either person understanding why.
“Does one of you feel ready for bed at 10pm while the other is most alert after midnight? Does the early riser feel rejected when their partner won’t come to bed, while the night owl feels pressured and resentful? The reason for this isn’t just that they’re lazy; it can be put down to biology. And when couples don’t understand that, they often start attributing those feelings to the relationship itself.”
Robyn said that even though it can feel impossible, there are ways to address the issue, such as filling out this questionnaire to work out your “sleep chronotype” – and your partner’s – to enable you to open up fresh conversations about why sleep (and the relationship) might have been struggling.
“If you’re worried about having mismatched chronotypes, it’s not always a dealbreaker,” Robyn added. “Couples who understand their biological differences can make adjustments, such as maintaining separate wind-down routines or agreeing on a ‘together window’ in the evening. Making small changes like this can dramatically improve both sleep and intimacy.”
If I were you, I would fill out that questionnaire, I would go through those suggested lifestyle adaptations one by one, and lastly – I wouldn’t sweat it if you and your partner sleep separately for a while.
As long as you are communicating with each other from a place of love, and not using distance as an excuse to avoid addressing any underlying issues, it doesn’t have to mean a loss of intimacy – it’s simply a practicality, so you both feel rested. Just make sure you make a conscious effort to “check in” with each other (and get those cuddles) in the morning.
Take heart – because sleeping apart (sometimes unfairly branded “sleep divorce”) doesn’t have to mean the end of an intimate relationship altogether. I am a massive fan of having your own space (and your own bed). I’ve heard some people say that sharing a home – but not a sleeping space – kept their relationship alive (and had an astonishing impact on their sex life, too!). It doesn’t have to mean “doom”. It might be just the saviour you need.
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