Dear Vix,
I am married to a very kind man, but he has a big ego. He takes all the credit for any improvements or things that I do, quite unabashedly. He recently asked if I would like to renew our wedding vows – and I was really happy about that. He arranged everything. The service was lovely and he made a very loving speech at the end. However, in it I was shocked that he said how touched he was when “I” asked “him” if we could retake our vows!
I had told family how lovely he was to suggest it and feel really hurt when he turned this around. Why does he do these things? I feel like a bit part in company, but on our own he’s different. I have told him how I feel and he dismisses it like I’m being silly. How would you suggest I handle this? Thank you for any help.
Confused and Upset
Dear Confused and Upset,
I can understand why this upsets you – on the surface, you may be made to feel “small” or “silly” for bringing it up, but repeated behaviours like this can dramatically affect a relationship, because they can leave you feeling invalidated and invisible (and even completely ignored). You are doing exactly the right thing in seeking to address it before it becomes even more of an entrenched pattern.
Firstly, as for why your husband does this – well, it sounds like he does it mainly to bolster his image in the eyes of other people. That’s why there is a discrepancy between his behaviour when it’s just the two of you, compared to when he is “performing” in front of friends and family. This tells us quite a lot about your husband – it might mean that he secretly feels inadequate or insecure; that he cares deeply about external validation and praise; and that it is vital to his self-image to project an image of success.
I imagine he might be frightened of seeming “soft”, and that somewhere along the way – as he developed his sense of self and “manhood” – he mistakenly came to believe that acknowledging or admitting feelings of love, closeness and dependency might make him look “weak” in some way. Perhaps that’s why he wanted your audience to believe that you were the one keen to renew your wedding vows.
I’d be interested in finding out what he believes about masculinity – is he rather traditional/old-fashioned? Does he believe in the “men don’t cry” philosophy, for example? Does he think that being a man means being “tough” and buttoned up about your emotions? He might be frightened of admitting that he feels – and that he loves – in public. It might be easier for him to wave off the desire to renew your wedding vows as something “girly” that was requested by you, which he – as a “man” – delivered. I’m guessing he cares an awful lot about what other people think of him.
He may also be falling for the “single unit fallacy” – meaning that he views you both as a single entity; that he believes your successes are also his. The dark side of this philosophy is that a partner can become quite controlling, so please do watch out for that. You can read about some of the signs of coercive relationships (and sexist gender roles) here.
As for how to deal with it, well – there are a couple of different ways to do this, depending on whether you’re discussing it with him privately or in front of other people. When you’re in a group and you hear him take the credit for something you’ve done, you can add your narrative back into the conversation fairly gently, without it becoming an argument. Say, for example, he says he’s been doing a lot of gardening lately – and you know that actually, you have been making the garden look nice – you can chime in with: “Yes, I spent hours researching the perfect plants!”
You can also make it less combative by making it more of a team effort and recognising your differing roles, saying: “I really appreciated how you paid for all the plants I picked out to buy.” There is another way too, but only you will know if it’s the right way to play it: you could gently tease him about over-stating his role! Say, “Oh, so you were the one on your hands and knees planting all those flowers, were you? Or was that me?!” Keep your tone light and warm and friendly so everyone around you knows that it is “banter” – with truth behind it.
Then, when you’re together privately, I think it is important to make your husband realise how much it upsets you. I would be tempted to use your wedding vow renewal as a great example – to start with something positive (eg “I loved how enthusiastic you were about renewing our vows”) but then using “I feel” statements (rather than “you did this”). It could go a little like this:
“I loved how enthusiastic you were about renewing our vows – it made the day feel really special. But I feel upset that you told everyone that it was my idea in your speech. I feel undermined and embarrassed by that, because it wasn’t the truth.”
It is possible he thinks you won’t mind him using you to “save face” – but it’s his own issues of inadequacy that he’s really trying to protect, here. So, consider adding in a firm boundary to stop it happening again: “If that continues to happen, I will start correcting you on the spot every time.” Good luck.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk