Dear Vix,
I am “graysexual” (or gray asexual) and sex favourable, as well as bisexual – my issue is that I hardly ever fancy anyone, and it causes massive issues in my dating life.
I promised myself in my thirties that I would only date people I could feel affection towards – and I made chemistry a “must have” when I was ruling people out. I have now been single more or less for a decade, with the odd fling. I do things I like and go to the occasional singles’ night too. I want to meet someone – I just don’t know how!
I am planning to implement the “four or five date rule”, but have questions: How into someone do I need to be to start dating them? Is introducing this rule a good idea? My other rules are: don’t date anyone too opinionated or too humourless (not making someone laugh is one thing, taking yourself too seriously is another); don’t date someone who drains you; and don’t date anyone who is late by more than 10 minutes and doesn’t text you an update. Also, don’t date anyone with issues who isn’t getting help.
Do you have any thoughts on these rules? Do you think there are other ways I can figure out if a match is suitable by date four or five? Which rules am I missing?
Dating but Confused
Dear Dating but Confused,
Forgive me, but I had to look up some of the dating terminology you’re using here! For those who don’t know or who aren’t familiar, the “four or five date rule”, as you put it, is a popular dating concept that suggests waiting until the fourth or fifth date before becoming physically intimate or having sex.
It is designed to act as a guide to establish some deeper foundational values in a relationship, such as emotional connection, trust and compatibility, before physical intimacy comes along and (potentially) clouds your judgement.
It’s really just shorthand. A simple reminder to take your time getting to know someone; to see how you feel about them over a period of different dates – and situations – with the hope that time will show you their true character, and prevent you from ignoring any glaring red flags because you’re so dizzied by physical attraction, or lust.
Then, there’s “graysexuality” – sometimes known as being “gray asexual”. Some people in the community, as I understand it, also use terms such as “gray-A”, “gray-ace”, or even “grace”.
Please correct me if I’m wrong (genuinely – I’d love to hear from you and to learn!), but graysexuality seems to come close to asexuality (a sexual orientation where a person experiences little to no sexual attraction to anyone) – but not quite. Hence, it lives in the “gray” (or, “grey” if you’re in the UK).
It can look a lot like very infrequent sexual attraction – you do fancy people, but not often (or, not very strongly). But occasionally, the feelings are there. It’s not “never”, as might be more common in asexuality. I am sure there’s a lot of nuance, but for the purposes of this advice, I’ll assume that’s a rough estimation of how you feel.
So, we have a situation where you are both graysexual and you’re considering a “four or five date rule”, so as not to rush into sex. Given the factor of your graysexuality, not rushing into sex (even after four or five dates, which does seem pretty soon – even to me, who isn’t graysexual!) sounds like it would suit you well.
For more from Vix, sign up to her Independent Women newsletter – a weekly dose of smart, sharp and unflinching stories on the issues that matter most.
But the one thing I’m concerned about, and would probably advise against, is getting too hung up on “rules”. Every dating rule is really just a way to get you to focus on slowing down, taking your time, and getting to know a person. But people aren’t an exact science – and neither is love.
If you find having a framework useful or comforting, then go right ahead – but keep those rules loose. Thinking to yourself, “I won’t be intimate with this person until we’ve been on at least five dates”, is a good idea, generally speaking (yes, for all of us). But don’t shut yourself off to surprises. People don’t always fit neatly into boxes, or lists that you find on the internet.
In the same way, getting too hung up on the label of being “graysexual” might be a sticking point when it comes to dating – because if you go into a situation thinking to yourself, “I never fancy anyone; chemistry is hard for me” – then it will be. It risks turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
How about approaching each new date with this outlook, instead: “I’m going to see if I find this person interesting and attractive.” Sometimes, we meet people we are drawn to because they are so kind, or gentle, or curious about us. They have a great personality, or a brilliant sense of humour. That’s enormously attractive, even if the physical “zing” isn’t there yet. Sometimes it comes later, sometimes it might never develop. We need to give ourselves time to find out.
I really do like the idea of not rushing into bed (or a relationship). I also like to give people the benefit of the doubt – I think far too many of us write people off quickly, because they don’t fit neatly into a set of criteria we’ve made up in our head.
So, I’d advise ending each date by asking yourself one simple question: would I like to spend more time getting to know this person? If the answer is yes, then go on another date. And it doesn’t matter if that’s date number four, five, six, or 15.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk