Dear Vix,
After a long period of hiatus (four years), I connected with someone online. Although I was hesitant at first, because it’s been a long time and I am new to online dating, I gave in and it has been the happiest few months of my life.
When we first met (and on his bio), he mentioned he was not monogamous, and he disclosed straight away that he is seeing another three women, one of whom he attends fetish clubs with.
I did not think much of it – and it has been a long time – so I just went along with it. He is the kindest, most gentle lover and very attentive. He reminds me of what I have missed out on in my life. I miss him when we are not together.
I think he feels the same, although he still mentions the other women in passing. I don’t want to tell him it makes me jealous and I want him exclusively, in case he stops wanting to see me. I don’t want to make things awkward or change what we have.
I am getting jealous and uncomfortable with the situation but am too scared to lose what we have. What do you advise?
Jealous
Dear Jealous,
Oh, I feel for you. We have probably all been in situations where someone has told us (or shown us) who they are from the beginning, only for us to blithely ignore it all in the hope that they’d change later. I certainly know people who have embarked on “situationships” or casual flings with people who have stated they weren’t looking for anything “serious”, only for it to come back and bite them. The same goes, I imagine, for people who meet someone they like who doesn’t/does want children, when they want the opposite.
In an ideal world, we’d run before we got attached, knowing that they wouldn’t be able to meet our needs – or us theirs. But we’re not always that sensible. And we can all do it, so please don’t think you’re alone or that you’ve done anything wrong at all. The only thing you’re guilty of is being hopeful.
Now, what to do about it? I understand that you don’t want to risk pushing your lover away, to make things awkward or to change what you have. I can hear how reluctant you are to lose him. So there are two choices here. One is to assess how much this bothers you – and whether you are able to cope with it as it is currently, potentially long term.
Only you can answer how deep your feelings are and to what extent the jealousy is eating you up. Is it something you can handle? Or is it something that feels like it will reduce you, the longer it goes on? Are you at risk of getting your heart broken if you stay and try to operate a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on the other women he’s seeing?
I have an inkling the answer to that last question is yes, or you wouldn’t be writing me this letter. In which case: I’m afraid the only other card you have to play here is your honesty. To tell your lover how you are feeling, to discuss it and to see what he feels and thinks about it – and what he wants.
He has been open from the beginning about his dating style and that’s a credit to him. Many people hide it (the wrong move, as it takes away your agency to decide whether or not you want to be with someone who is dating multiple people at once). He probably assumes you are fine with him dating, and talking about, the other women – because you knew he was polyamorous from the outset.
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But that doesn’t mean you have to stay quiet now, if it’s something that you’ve realised bothers you – or if your feelings have become complicated. In my opinion, the very best course of action would be to tell him exactly how you feel: crucially, without expectation.
Yes, this runs the risk that you may have to say goodbye, if he isn’t looking to change the way he dates. But if it’s becoming too painful to stay with someone who isn’t dating you exclusively anyway, then either way you are probably going to end up walking away. Isn’t it worth a shot of seeing how he feels, then, given the circumstances?
I also think it’s worth remembering that you’ve been intimate with this person physically, so there’s no real reason you shouldn’t express yourself intimately emotionally, too. I think it’s funny and a little strange that we can often place ourselves in eye-wateringly close situations with people, but are too afraid to do the same with our feelings. It’s a shame.
As for how to tell him, I’d play it straight. The next time you’re together, say you’d like a chat about the two of you and ask him how he feels and (perhaps) find out a little more about why he’s committed to a poly lifestyle. What does it mean to/for him? Does he see it as a temporary or long-term preference? Does he want to settle down and have kids – and does he intend to remain poly throughout those possible life changes? At least if you ask these questions, you’ll have some idea of what he wants – and how it resonates for you.
We are making a lot of assumptions about his preferred relationship status and lifestyle, but you won’t know if he’s willing to consider monogamy with you unless you ask him. You are not a mind-reader – but it’s important to remember that neither is he.
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