Dear Vix,
I think I’m losing my “spark”, and it’s honestly terrifying. I’m in my early thirties, and for the last decade I’ve had a very specific rhythm. I’d meet a girl, we’d start dating, things would be incredible for a couple of months, and then – just as the“where is this going” conversations started – I’d get bored and end it.
I’ve always been the one to walk away. I figured I was just a high-value guy who hadn’t found “the one” yet. But lately, it all seems to have flipped around. My last two girlfriends dumped me first! The first one said I was “emotionally immature”, and the second told me she didn’t see a future with me, but didn’t tell me why.
I’ve always relied on being the charming, confident bloke who calls the shots with women, but now I’m worried I’m losing my appeal. Is it because I’m getting older? I thought women liked older, more mature guys? If I’m honest, I’m getting a bit scared of being left behind. A lot of my friends are partying less these days. Some are getting engaged and moving to the suburbs to settle down; they’re even talking about kids and mortgages.
I’m torn – I don’t necessarily want to be tied down and to do all that boring stuff, but it’s got to be better than sitting here, single, at 33.
The Three-Month King (Retired?)
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Dear Three-Month… King (ahem!),
I’m having a little bit of trouble taking you seriously with the “high-value guy” comment (I’d try and avoid that, or risk sounding like you’re associated with the manosphere – which, believe me, is definitely not attractive to women), but I am reassured that you have opened up further along in your letter with the admission that you’re getting “scared”. It takes courage to be so vulnerable – well done.
I can’t tell how much of your email is braggadocio and bluster, and how much is real – but I believe that you are getting worried about being left behind. I believe you are probably feeling a bit lonely. And I believe you are starting to panic that you are “losing your touch” with women.
The problem is, who we are inside has a sneaky way of making its way out, especially in our romantic relationships or situationships, or whatever you want to call them. Dating can often act as a “mirror” and reflect our true selves, including our emotional patterns, boundaries and character, which might remain hidden when we are single.
Dating can reveal: our values and dealbreakers, our relationship to ourselves (hence the idea of a “mirror”), our vulnerabilities and our triggers, our ability to open up, our attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganised or healthy), how you handle conflict, how resilient you are, how well you know your own limits (boundaries) and assert them – or whether you struggle to speak up.
Three months into dating is usually when the “mask” falls and you can’t help revealing who you really are to your partner. You’re likely to stop being on your best behaviour, allowing the other person to see your own authentic reactions and your true character. Interesting, then, isn’t it, that the three-month point is when you usually press “exit” and get out of the relationship?
Behind this machismo facade you wear like armour, I wonder if you’re more sensitive than you’d like to admit – even to yourself. I wonder if the whole reason you leap for the “eject” button at three months is precisely because you don’t want to be vulnerable with someone, to risk being “seen”; to experience the enormous cliff-edge of fear and wonder and terror and joy that is falling in love? It’s much, much easier to protect yourself from harm if you never put yourself out there to begin with. And as soon as someone looks like they’re getting close, you quit – and pretend it’s because it’s got “boring”.
What I think you envy in your friends is the fact that they’re probably all feeling those very same fears – and doing it anyway. Love and commitment is hard and scary – that’s the nature of it, I’m afraid – but the only way is to feel the fear and do it anyway.
So, the next time you hit the three-month point with a girl you like (and I’d disregard the two who said you were “emotionally immature” – as this was before the epiphany I am hopefully helping you realise now), do the hardest thing of all, the thing that takes a really confident, secure man: push through it. See what’s on the other side. I have a feeling you might even like it.
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