Dear Vix,
I have a close group of friends I’ve had since school. We all grew up near each other and most of us have jobs in the city, so we stayed living at home. A few have got married and moved away – one now lives in Singapore – but generally, if I go to the local pub, it’s the same group as always.
And the weird thing is: it used to be okay, I was happy, but recently I’ve started to feel frustrated and bored with it.
One of the issues for me, I think, is that they’re still into the same stuff we used to be into at 17 and 18 – going out and drinking and doing drugs and being chaotic. But I’m just not interested in being like that anymore. It was fun while it lasted, but surely there’s more fulfilling stuff we could be doing other than getting wasted? I always think, is that really all I’m slaving away at work for – to completely lose it and get smashed at the weekend? Isn’t there more to life than that?
I know you’ll probably say, “get different friends” but making new mates is hard, especially because I can’t afford to move out and still live at home with my parents. Honestly, sometimes I really envy my mate in Singapore. He got away. I wish I could. But for now, at least, I’m stuck here – so, what do I do?
Restless
Dear Restless,
You’re right – the glib response, which I’ll admit was at the tip of my tongue while reading this, was going to be: “get new friends”. But for a few different reasons (not least the fact that making friends when you’re an adult can be difficult) I’m not going to give you any blunt suggestions like that. In fact, I’m not going to focus on your friends much at all in this letter – because I want to know more about you.
The key question here, I think, is what is it you want to do with your “one wild and precious life”? (That’s a line from this Mary Oliver poem, and I love it. You might find it helpful to read and reflect on). What do you yearn for? What do you want to see, taste, touch and do? What makes you happy – and what do you imagine might fill you up? What haven’t you tried yet that you are aching to try?
It sounds to me like you’ve outgrown this group of friends, and you know what? That’s okay. Some people say that friends come in and out of our social circle for “seasons” of our lives, a sentiment that I really like. It means that you can forge new connections without guilt.
And it’s not that you are superior, or better than them, because you are no longer interested in going out and getting wrecked at the exact same places you’ve been getting wasted in since school; it’s simply that you are different. That your goals and dreams and priorities have changed. And it’s those that I think we should focus on.
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I understand that for the short-term, living at home with your parents is a necessity and moving out may take some planning (and saving). But in the meantime, there’s nothing to stop you spending a bit of time daydreaming (plus, the process of daydreaming has actually been linked to a more productive day).
By which I mean: reflecting on your private hopes and dreams and writing them down. Think of it like a “bucket list” — not of extreme activities to complete before you die, but a tangible five (or ten) year plan.
Where would you like to be in 2031? How about 2036? What can you see yourself doing – and who is around you? If you can’t see that specifically, or name someone, then perhaps you can imagine the type of social group you would really like to belong to. What kind of activities do you picture doing together for fun; how would you like to spend your evenings and free time? (And as a side note: if you find writing about it difficult or laborious, you could always draw it).
The point of this exercise is to get to know yourself a little more deeply – and to set the wheels in motion towards making plans that might enable you to achieve your goals. It’s hard though, because first, we need to know what those goals are! That’s what I think would be beneficial for you to start thinking about now.
As for your friends, and the drugs, and the repetition – for a short term fix, could you join some different social groups, even in your local area? A sports group or a run club or chess club or something outdoors? The very best way to make friends and widen your circle as an adult is to follow your passions and meet likeminded individuals along the way.
And don’t worry – there is more to life than going out and getting smashed every Saturday. You’re already halfway towards discovering it all.
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