I’VE always been clear with my partner, right from the beginning of our relationship, that I wasn’t interested in having children. When we got together, I was 27 and he was 29, so it didn’t feel like a pressing issue, but now I’m 30 and he’s 32, and we’ve moved in together and several of our friends are starting to have kids.
He’s always said he’s OK with my decision, but I get the feeling deep down he’s not and that having a family is something he’d really like. I know he gets some pressure from his mum on the subject of grandchildren, even though he’s told his parents children aren’t on the cards for us.
It does make me sad when I see my partner holding his friends’ babies and I feel selfish, but it’s honestly not something that’s for me. It’s not that I don’t like kids – I do – I just don’t want my own. I know I don’t need to be a mother to be happy.
I can’t help worrying it won’t be enough for my partner, and in years to come, he’ll leave because he wants more than I’m willing to give. It’s a sensitive subject to discuss and I’d welcome your opinion.
IF you haven’t talked about it in a while, you need to have the conversation again, especially if you’ve seen signs he’s wavering. You could introduce it by bringing up your friends having kids and say something like: “I’ve seen you with their babies and I know you’re getting pressure from your mum, so if you think you might change your mind, you have to be honest. As much as I love you, I don’t want you to live your life hoping I might change my mind because I really believe I won’t”.
I understand it feels like a risk to revisit this, and you do need to be prepared that he might walk away, but it’s a very important discussion to have.
I know two couples who broke up over this issue. One couple who’d been together for years didn’t have the conversation until they were married, only to realise one wanted a family and the other didn’t. And the other couple had never talked about it and were devastated to later find out they weren’t on the same page.
If you think there’s any chance he’s still living in hope of having children with you, then you must be brutally honest because you both deserve to have the life you want.
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