I’m a woman in my 30s and last year I became friends very quickly with another mum at school, who seemed confident and fun. It was one of those situations where you click with someone instantly and I suppose I was flattered that she’d taken such an interest in me and wanted to be friends.
She kept offering to help me with my kids, as my husband works away a lot, and I was grateful for the odd school pick up or playdate.
Now, though, I’m finding her a bit much, which I know sounds bad when she’s been so helpful. She’s around more and more, and I’ve realised that we’re very different people.
I find her quite bossy and, looking back, I think she’s talked me into things that I didn’t want to do or aren’t really me.
I don’t want to lose her friendship entirely and I don’t want to be mean, but I’m feeling a bit suffocated and would like to get some control back and make my own decisions about how I spend my time and see more of my other mates. It’s awkward and I’m not very good at being direct, so any tips would help.
It’s just about setting boundaries. You don’t have to agree to everything or accept every invite – if it doesn’t suit you, say it doesn’t suit you. Here’s the thing, you can say no to things without coming across as mean or ungrateful.
Use phrases like, “Thanks for asking, but I’m busy that day”, “To be honest, it’s not something I’d enjoy, but you have fun”, or, “It doesn’t work for me this week, but let’s arrange another date”.
I get you feeling awkward or overwhelmed, though, because I’ve always been a people pleaser and hate the thought of hurting folk’s feelings. But one of the things I learned from my stint on Celebs Go Dating is the importance of respecting yourself and what you want, and it applies to friendships as well as romantic relationships. Having boundaries doesn’t make you a bad person, in fact, it makes you more honest and open.
So, there’s no reason to ghost her or have a big fall out if you can have boundaries.
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These will make you less available and put a bit of distance between you. If, in the end, she falls out with you because you’re not at her beck and call, that’s OK. It means she only wants a friendship if it’s on her terms.
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