She tried to return to her series, Nashville, but quickly fell back into her old patterns that even the crew noticed. “Every day after that was a juggling act. I gave up the meds, and I went to work bloated, exhausted, and jittery. Every day I ran home, desperate for a drink. I’d switched to vodka, thinking no one could smell it on my breath, but I was fooling myself. Vodka smells like vodka. I’m sure everyone knew what was going on, but no one said anything.”
She shared that even her character started to face the same struggles she had in real life. “It became more apparent around season four of Nashville that my personal problems seemed to be mirroring the script,” she wrote. “Juliette Barnes had postpartum depression, an alcohol and pill problem, and a divorce on the horizon. She was erratic, an absentee mother, and fought with everyone — including her fans. Every time I read the day’s script, it was like I was looking in a fun-house mirror, seeing a distorted reflection of myself. I can’t tell you how lost this made me feel. … I dove headfirst into my own hell.”
“Of all the memories from all those hours, it is the one that still floors me… it’s like a knife through my heart… It was the saddest moment of my life,” she recalled. “It will always live with me. All I ever want is for her to know how sorry I am, how lost I was and how I will never, ever abandon her again.”
“I still have that messaging in my brain at times, that I’m not enough or that I should look better,” she wrote. “But I also can choose other thought patterns now.”
“I am so grateful that the film will make its world premiere at a prestigious film festival this fall, and I can’t wait to share it with audiences around the world in the hope that it will help those struggling. However, you won’t see me out there promoting this film, or any of my upcoming films, while I take this important step to protect myself. If I made myself sicker by going out there and promoting it, I wouldn’t be acting true to myself or to the film.
I usually cringe at letters or statements like this but I understand that I am of the privileged few who can afford to take time off. I won’t lose my job while working on my anxiety. With this letter and with Stutz, I’m hoping to make it more normal for people to talk and act on this stuff. So they can take steps towards feeling better and so that the people in their lives might understand their issues more clearly.
I hope the work will speak for itself and I’m grateful to my collaborators, my business partners and to all reading this for your understanding and support.”