You be the judge: my partner confronts bad drivers. Should he stop?
Riya says her boyfriend has road rage, but Declan insists he never loses his temper. You decide if needs to put the brakes on his motormouth
Find out how to get a disagreement settled or become a juror
The prosecution: Riya
double quotation markEvery time Declan chooses kicking off over de-escalation, he compromises our safety
My boyfriend, Declan, has bad road rage. In day-to-day life he is mild-mannered. But the roads in London, where we live, seem to transform him, and he gets a kick out of being heard.
I’ve watched him go from perfectly calm to furious in seconds, and swear at people for cutting him up or for driving aggressively. Most of the time I agree that the other driver is in the wrong. But being right doesn’t make confronting strangers a sensible idea.
I grew up in London and people are insane on the roads here. But I don’t ever respond because I like to save my energy. I don’t think shouting back or getting out of the car ever helps.
As a woman of colour, I also don’t have the privilege of reacting when I’m by myself because it’s not safe, whereas Declan is a 6ft 3in white man.
When people cut us up, beep impatiently or drive as though they’re the only person that matters, it can be scary or infuriating, but Declan just goes off on one.
The worst incident happened when another driver dangerously overtook us. Declan accelerated to catch up with them at the traffic lights and shouted through the window about how reckless they’d been. The other driver got out of his car and kicked off. Thankfully, after I shouted at Declan to drive away, he did. Afterwards, I was furious – he’d turned an annoying situation into a big confrontation that could have ended badly.
Another time, after a driver flipped me off, Declan started yelling again. I know he was trying to defend me, but I don’t need defending if it means putting us both at risk. Every time Declan chooses confrontation over de-escalation, he compromises our safety over a stranger’s bad behaviour.
Declan is a great partner and we usually see eye to eye when it comes to how to handle conflict. He just has a strong sense of injustice, which seems to come out on the roads. I know he likes to be vindicated, but I’d prefer him to let it go.
The defence: Declan
double quotation markI don’t believe people should get away with dangerous or disrespectful driving
Riya and I have fundamentally different approaches when it comes to driving. I don’t lose my temper for no reason, I react when people behave recklessly. Unfortunately that happens a lot in London.
I don’t believe people should get away with dangerous or disrespectful driving. Why should the person in the wrong get to drive off thinking their behaviour is acceptable?
The incident with the driver who dangerously overtook us proves my point. They could have caused a serious accident. Impatient people like that are a danger to everyone. I caught up with him at the lights because I wanted him to know he’d put lives at risk, not because I was looking for a fight. Yes, he got out of his car, but as soon as it became clear things were escalating, I drove away. If I’d wanted a confrontation, I would have got out of the car, but I didn’t want to put our lives in danger.
My frustration comes from seeing people behave selfishly and never face any consequences. I know I can’t police the roads, but I don’t think calling someone out automatically makes me irrational or angry.
The same goes for people being rude to Riya. If someone shouts abuse or makes an aggressive gesture, my instinct is to stand up for her, so why do I get called angry? I’d rather she knew I’d defend her than sit silently while someone treats her badly.
Could I express myself more calmly? Probably. I’ll admit I can get heated in the moment. I never start it or go looking for fights, but I do like to have the last word. I could be less reactive. But I think Riya overlooks the fact that I’m reacting to bad behaviour rather than causing the problems myself. There’s a difference between someone making an honest mistake and someone driving dangerously.
It’s unfair to label me as someone with road rage. I don’t drive aggressively or intimidate other motorists. I’m a careful, competent driver who gets frustrated when other people put lives at risk.
Names have been changed
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Putting his girlfriend at risk isn’t protecting her, and Declan’s road rage isn’t making roads safer. Riya is telling him his behaviour makes her feel unsafe, but he doesn’t listen, which seems to indicate it’s more about ego than justice. Declan needs to think about the irony of his justifications.
Paula, 43
I get Declan’s frustration; there are too many bad drivers. But he needs to respect Riya’s feelings – she’s uncomfortable – and rein it in when they’re in the car together. Justified or not, Declan is directing his anger at people who don’t care and Riya’s feelings are more important.
Lucille, 55
The incident at the traffic lights shows what can happen. Taking out his frustrations might be therapeutic for Declan in the moment, but if it escalates into confrontation he (and Riya) could come off worse …
Katherine, 52
Declan says he wants to defend Riya, but he sped them both into a confrontation in the worst incident. Angry men are scary in a way I suspect most other men don’t appreciate – Declan must listen to Riya and cool his temper.
Kathryn, 40
If Declan behaves the way he does on the road because he cares about Riya, then he should listen to what she wants. Staying in your car does not necessarily mean that you are behaving well.
Lucy, 34
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Declan stop driving Riya round the bend?
The poll closes on Wednesday 12 August at 9am BST
Last week’s results
We asked, should Daniella’s brother stop hogging the living room while he’s staying with her?
77% of you said yes – Seamus is guilty
23% of you said no – Seamus is not guilty
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